Limerence; unrealistic, romanticised longing to be around a particular person
Limerence is an involuntary state of intense, obsessive infatuation and romantic longing for another person (the "limerent object"), often characterized by a desperate desire for reciprocation. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979, it differs from love or lust by being characterized by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and anxiety, often focusing on the uncertainty of the connection.
Key Characteristics and Symptoms
Intrusive Thinking: Constant, uncontrollable thoughts about the person.
Idealization: Placing the person on a pedestal and ignoring their flaws.
Emotional Dependence: Mood swings that depend on the actions of the other person.
Uncertainty and Anxiety: The core driver is the doubt regarding whether the feelings are returned.
Physical Symptoms: Racing heart, trembling, or "butterflies" when thinking of them.
Intense Longing: An all-consuming desire to be with the person.
This short video from Jef Guenther explains the key differences between a normal crush and limerence https://www.instagram.com/reels/DWBsSs_DTvJ/
Causes and Underlying Factors
Limerence is often not about the other person, but rather a "wound" from the past, sometimes linked to childhood experiences with inconsistent caregivers. It may be linked to:
Anxious Attachment Styles: Fear of rejection and craving for reassurance.
Childhood Trauma: Inconsistent, or unavailable caregivers leading to fantasy as a coping mechanism.
Low Self-Esteem: A feeling that one's love must be earned.
Mental Health Factors: It can be associated with ADHD or OCD-like obsessive behaviours.
Stages of Limerence
Infatuation: Initial attraction and idealization.
Crystallization: The height of obsession, where the focus on the person becomes intense and all-consuming. (You’re likely to do something you will regret. Try to avoid contact with the person at this stage.)
(Frustration/elation: some systems include this stage, which is related to emotional volatility based on reciprocation/lack of reciprocation.)
Deterioration or Re-evaluation: The attachment eventually fades, often due to a lack of reciprocation or a shift in focus to someone else. In rare situations, once the infatuation is removed, some may be able to shift the situation into a more realistic friendship. This is only possible once the obsessive focus on the person has gone (often by staying away from them for a long time, until the feeling has gone), and you must respect each other’s boundaries, see the situation realistically, and recognise the limitations of the relationship.
How to Overcome Limerence
Overcoming limerence requires breaking the addictive cycle of "highs" (contact) and "lows" (rejection or silence).
Understand the Root Cause: Reflect on early life experiences that may have initiated this pattern.
No Contact: Limiting or eliminating communication with the limerent object to reduce the dependency. Don’t check their social media, don’t gather information.
Practice Self-Awareness: Recognising and breaking the trigger-behaviour-reward system.
Work on your mental health: Do trauma work to heal the wounds from the past. Focus on improving your own view of yourself, you will be less reliant for validation from others.
· Refocus on important aspects of your life: Focus on quality time with your loved ones (focused time, not distracted attendance), your fitness goals, your friends, or join new groups to meet other new people.
Cognitive-behavioural techniques, such as exposure therapy, can reduce compulsive thoughts regarding yourself, and regarding the person.
If you’re reading this article because you’re reaching near the height of your obsession on someone, resist doing something unusual, extravagant, or taking an embarrassing risk at this point. Limit contact with this person to the absolutely essential reasons, and if you have any thoughts of having a future with them then remember that’s Limerence warping your thinking, so don’t do anything desperate or unusual. Before every contact with the person, stop and ask yourself “Is this necessary?”. Limit contact as much as possible.
Keep in mind that after the peak comes the Deterioration, so remind yourself of any possible detrimental consequences that could occur if you act on your impulse. The obsessive peak doesn’t last for long, then goes into the downward trend where you realise that the other person isn’t so great after all.
Now, recognise that part of your obsession comes from a wish to date someone, or to have more friendships in your life. Focus on doing things that will find you someone that you can get to know in a healthy way. If you want a relationship, then join some dating apps, screen out any that don’t have healthy qualities, and then actually go on dates, taking your time to get to know people. Join groups where you can meet people for new friendships. Refocus on your own life; get fit, do activities with your family and with your current friends. While doing all these new activities, learning more about yourself, as well as reducing contact with this person, gradually the limerence will fade.
In the meantime, on one piece of paper, and write out 3 sections on it.
1. Write down all the reasons why you don’t want to obsess on this person (this might include the main points from this article that show that it is Limerence and not a real situation).
2. Write down the potential negative consequences if you continue to go ahead with your obsession.
3. Write down all the activities that you will focus on doing instead of focusing on the person.
Keep a copy in your room where you can see it when you get ready, and on your phone. Read it regularly to remind yourself that you are reaching the Limerence peak, and if you act on it, after the obsession goes, you will be dealing with a bad situation. Make an unchanging, definite decision not to act on obsessive feelings of Limerence. Only make any changes in your life, once the obsessive focus has gone.
