By Belinda Luscombe, originally published in Time.com September 6, 2017

What makes love last? Different researchers from different academic disciplines have examined the question over the years and now a professor has analyzed more than 1,100 studies on the subject. Brian Ogolsky, an associate professor in human development and family studies at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, looked at everything published in the academic realm about “relationship maintenance” since 1950, and then identified the most commonly-used strategies for sticking together.

“Relationship scientists spend a large proportion of their time predicting why people break up and some of the more negative sides of things,” says Ogolsky, “and I really wanted to dedicate my career to understanding the positive sides of relationship as much as possible.”

After two years of sorting through the data, here’s what he and his team noticed. First, you can split the techniques people use to keep their relationships going according to motive: those that stop it from falling apart and those that actually nurture it. And sometimes of course, techniques that attempt to avoid Splitsville — like being more affectionate to your partner when you feel that they’re interested in someone else — translate into techniques that keep the love healthy, like simply being affectionate because you care about your partner.

Ogolsky also found that both individuals and couples have a role to play. That is, sometimes it’s what individuals do and sometimes it’s what the couple does that keeps the flame going.

Here are the 17 most common strategies he identified.

What individuals do to avoid breaking up:

1. Belittle or ignore the alternatives: When people are in a relationship, they often discount other possible romantic partners. “Half of it could actually be I think that guy’s ugly,” says Ogolsky, “and another is actually trying to turn that off, and not attending to that guy at all.”

2. Idealize their partner and the relationship: Partners often choose to imagine their other half is hotter or more macho than s/he really is, or speculate that their relationship is special in some way. Most couples like to maintain the illusion that their connection is above average. If they don’t, “the writing is on the wall,” says Ogolsky. This makes sense: the belief that you’re better at what you do than others motivates you to keep doing it.

3. Interpret their lover’s behavior in a positive way: Lovers often give their partners the benefit of the doubt and attribute the best possible motives to their behavior. “For example if your partner cheats on you, you can make an number of attributions about that,” says Ogolsky. “You could say ‘My partner is a dirtbag and I really hate him. He’ll probably do that again.’” If that’s the case, the relationship likely won’t succeed. But sometimes people try to give their partners more credit than that, he points out: “You could reinterpret it as that he’d made a mistake and it was one-time thing.”

What couples do to avoid breaking up:

1. Manage conflict: Couples who want to stay together find a way to settle their differences, whether it be by compromising, accommodating, acceding to their partner’s way of seeing things, agreeing to disagree or apologizing. Those who stonewall or decline to engage have less chance of staying together.

2. Forgive: There are a lot of studies, books and romantic comedies that extol the importance of forgiveness for a relationship. But, Ogolsky says, it’s subject to a law of diminishing returns. “If you’re a constant forgiver, there comes a point where it’s not great for your relationship because someone is taking advantage of you,” he says. “That can actually erode mental health.” Doormats don’t get across the threshold.

3. Sacrifice: A willingness “to forgo self-interest and desired activities for the good of a partner or relationship is an important aspect of maintaining relationships,” according to the study. But, Ogolsky notes, it has to come from both sides. “We want some balance in sacrifice. People don’t like to over-benefit in relationship, either.”

4. Help one another out: The academics call this “facilitation.” It can include helping your significant other make plans, complete tasks, achieve goals or manage their time. And it often leads to interdependence, as partners begin to coordinate their behavior to try to bring their long-term bigger goals to fruition.

5. Alleviate each other’s stress: Trouble at work, financial crises or family drama can all push a couple apart. Couples who can respond to each other’s stress in a way that is soothing rather than in a way that exacerbates it tend to be able to weather the tenser times.

What individuals do to improve the partnership:

1. Think in terms of the team: Couples who switch over from figuring out what’s best for them as individuals to what’s best for them as a couple last longer. Additionally, says Ogolsky “spending your own time thinking about your relationship,” is a sign that it’s going to last longer. “It can be spending time thinking about partner, it can be reminiscing, it can be thinking about the things you’re going to do.”

2. Are generous: An example of this would be “any random act of kindness toward your partner,” says Ogolsky. Such unasked-for gifts might be signs of affection or acts of service, like making the bed or washing up when it’s not your turn.

3. Are grateful and show it: Gratitude — for relationship and for your partner — has been shown time and time again to help build a relationship. However, the partner has to recognize the gratitude.

4. Pray for their partner: Yep, prayer. Several peer-reviewed studies published in respected journals suggest that praying for your partner makes relationships last. “The guys who are doing this work are pretty well-known in the relationship realm and are not at religious institutions,” says Ogolsky. “If you’ve had asked me what I thought about this five years ago, I would have said ‘ah no.’ This is not one of the things I would have ever thought would have been quite as robust as it is.” Apart from the supernatural explanation, prayer might work like mindfulness, or help the person doing the praying to think compassionately about their partner.

What couples do to improve the partnership:

1. Keep lines of communication open: On a day-to-day basis, couples are making sure there are no barriers to each other. This usually means they’re “being positive, being open, providing partners with some assurance you’ll be around, splitting labor in the household and doing it together,” says Ogolsky. That’s right, folks, evenly dividing chores is a communication imperative.

2. Talk about their relationship: Couples in it for the long haul periodically reflect on how their union is going. They discuss where they think they are, where they are going and what their issues are.

3. Respond to each other: This is different from No. 13, in that couples don’t just make sure they can talk freely, but they actually engage with each other when the time comes. When someone wants to talk about their day, for example, you put down your personal communication device and listen.

4. Use humor: People who are funny in the right way can keep their relationship going. “It’s not about a funniness gradient,” says Ogolsky, “but whether or not that’s one of the tools in your tool bag that you pull out typically during stress. Those who demonstrate humor have a way of defusing the situation and making it easier to handle.” However, negative humor like sarcasm and mocking can be detrimental to the relationship.

5. Do fun things together: An oldie but a goodie. “Engaging in leisure activities with a partner is theorized to increase communication, define roles, and increase marital satisfaction when leisure satisfaction is high or when partners are positive and have strong social skills,” says the study. A good time with your partner often leads to more togetherness.

Ogolsky stresses that his findings are descriptive, not prescriptive. He sees his paper as a research tool rather than a blueprint for success. That’s at least partly because many of these studies were conducted using college students as the participants — and they are not perhaps the finest avatars of functioning relationships.

On the other hand, since this is what has worked for other people in more than a thousand studies, it might work for you.

For more personalised expert help and advice on your relationship, book a couple’s session today at www.BetterHealthPsychology.com We also see singles that wish to change their relationship patterns of behaviour.

Book Here

Copyright © 2019 Christina Smith, LMHC, all rights reserved.

We are all guilty of avoiding things that we don’t want to do from time to time. We may let laundry pile up, avoid confronting a friend over something they did that upset us, or wait until the last minute to start a project for work or school. 

It’s easy to avoid things, especially when there are so many things we would rather be doing with our time. But, for those experiencing more serious mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, avoidance can worsen symptoms of those issues. 

What is avoidance behavior?

Avoidance is a maladaptive coping skill that offers the mind an escape from uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and/or experiences. It may seem like avoiding discomfort could be helpful, however, it results in never addressing the actual issue. In fact, avoidance may create a cycle of behavior that exacerbates feelings of anxiety and depression, making it much harder to problem solve, cope, and heal.

For example, someone who feels depressed might find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and may avoid daily responsibilities that seem stressful. They might stay in bed until noon, miss breakfast, avoid paying bills, skip the gym, etc. When they do finally get up, they have lower energy and less time to take care of responsibilities. The lack of energy and time will most likely result in more negative thoughts and feelings. Then, they may engage in more avoidant behavior and ultimately perpetuate the cycle of depression. 

Here are a few other examples of avoidance:

Someone might avoid triggers such as people, places, and things that may incite uncomfortable feelings. Those dealing with social anxiety, for example, might avoid crowds of people or hanging out with a group of friends. Avoiding these situations may spare them from uncomfortable feelings, but will also prevent them from learning effective coping skills to deal with difficult social situations in the future.

Another example might be someone experiencing relationship issues. Given that most of us do not enjoy conflict, it’s easy to find ways to avoid confronting an issue. Particularly when it comes to someone in our life that we care about. Individuals facing marital issues may divert attention from the issue by changing the subject when it comes up. Also, they may become passive aggressive toward their partner or even completely withdraw from them. This pattern of avoidance is sometimes referred to as ‘conflict avoidance‘. When an underlying issue is never addressed it can be buried under issues and become even more difficult to resolve. 

Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.

Brendon Burchard

It is also common for some people to avoid negative feelings by regularly engaging in “numbing” behaviors. This may come in the form of drinking more often or heavier, over-eating, over-exercising, etc; anything that might replace an uncomfortable feeling. It is important to note that these behaviors are only temporary fixes. It may keep the feelings out momentarily, but as soon as the numbing behavior stops, the feelings rush back, and solutions continue to evade our grasp. 

The one thing we may want to avoid is avoidance itself. How to stop avoiding:

1.    Recognize and understand that you’re doing it. Become mindful of your behavior patterns and how you might be avoiding negative feelings or situations in your life. It can be useful to keep a journal, or a log of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to more easily identify such patterns.

2.    Practice effective stress relief. Learn relaxation skills such as meditation, deep breathing, yoga, journaling, art, etc. to combat stress. It’s important to find techniques that work for you. Exercising regularly and keeping a balanced diet can also help reduce stress. 

3.    Remind yourself that it’s OK to feel uncomfortable and to have negative thoughts and feelings. They will pass. When we allow ourselves to feel our feelings we can finally start the process of healing.

4.    Get support. Family and friends are sometimes the best sources of support but it can also be helpful to find other sources such as a therapist or support group that can provide different perspectives. 

Many times, ending the cycle of avoidance is a longer process than we may imagine. It might not be as simple as facing our fears and moving on. 

Working with a therapist and taking small steps to learn about avoidance and how it is affecting you can be a positive step in overcoming issues like depression and anxiety. 

Here is a useful post on Catastrophic Thinking by Toni Bernhard.. Learn to skillfully respond to the cognitive distortion of catastrophizing.

Cognitive distortions are errors in thinking. The term refers to our irrational and exaggerated thoughts: thoughts that have no basis in fact, but which we believe anyway. These distorted thoughts then become the breeding ground for stressful emotions. The result is anxiety and the undermining of our ability to feel good about life or ourselves.

In September 2014, I wrote a post titled “How Distorted Thinking Increases Stress and Anxiety.” You might want to have a look at it. One of those distortions is called catastrophizing and it is the subject of this post.

Catastrophizing is also called magnifying. This is a good way to think of it, because it emphasizes how we often magnify things way out of proportion, dreaming up nightmare scenarios that we believe without question.

The First and Second Arrows

Catastrophizing is an example of thoughts (and the emotions they give rise to) that the Buddha called the “second arrow.” The first arrow refers to those familiar, unpleasant experiences that are an inevitable part of everyday life, from the mundane (a light bulb that burns out when we flip on the switch) to more profound unpleasant experiences (waking up with a flare in a chronic pain condition). We could each make a list of our own “first arrow” experiences. Some days we’re bombarded with them, again from the relatively minor (a computer crash) to the major (the loss of a job… or a friend). Life is hard enough just coping with the first arrow, that’s for sure.

The second arrow is an unnecessary one. Here’s how it happens. We experience the unpleasantness of the first arrow, but instead of simply acknowledging its presence and, if possible, trying to make things better (e.g., change the light bulb, take a warm shower to try and ease our physical pain), we engage in a stream of stressful thoughts and emotions about that unpleasant “first arrow” experience. Although the Buddha didn’t use the word catastrophize, it’s an example of how we shoot ourselves with a second arrow by mocking up worst-case scenarios instead of just taking care of the business at hand. In other words, we make things worse for ourselves.

It’s as if we’re looking at an unpleasant experience through binoculars, and so it appears way out of proportion to us. I used a light bulb burning out as an example because it’s a trivial experience. And yet, when it’s happened to you, how often do you say without irritation: “Oh, well, the light bulb burned out; no big deal, I’ll just change it”?

If you’re like me, when you encounter an unpleasant experience, you tend to add a negative reaction, which may not always rise to the level of catastrophizing, but can if it takes on this type of form: “Why do light bulbs always burn out on me? The new one will probably burn out in a few days—on me again.” It’s this second arrow, magnifying an unpleasant experience and making it into a catastrophe, that keeps us from feeling at peace with our lives. After all, if we changed the light bulb mindfully—paying careful attention as we get a new bulb, unscrew the old bulb, screw in the new one, and perhaps even take a moment to reflect on the wonders of electricity—we might even enjoy the experience.

And what about that “first arrow” unpleasant experience of waking up with a flare in our chronic pain levels? Instead of keeping calm and waiting to see if the pain subsides as the morning wears on, there’s a tendency to catastrophize by convincing ourselves that this is our new normal. We say to ourselves: “This pain will never go away; I’ll be miserable the rest of my life.” That’s the experience of the second arrow and, not surprisingly, it tends to be a source of stress and anxiety.

Through habits we’ve developed over our lifetimes, we seem to be quite adept at making ourselves miserable by magnifying our disappointments and frustrations until they seem like catastrophes. Another simple example. I’ve been teaching myself some new embroidery stitches. A few months ago, I was embroidering an underwater scene and wanted to use a “cretan stitch” to make a fish. But I couldn’t do it. Every fish I tried looked awful. Instead of feeling compassion for how hard this was proving to be, I started spinning irrational stories about my attempts: “I’ll never figure out this stitch. I might as well throw the whole piece away.” Catastrophizing.

How to Stop the Tendency to Catastrophize

To reverse the tendency to catastrophize, put your experience into perspective. Start by reminding yourself that unpleasant experiences—not having things go as you want—are an inevitable part of life. Then reframe your thoughts regarding whatever unpleasant experience is threatening to set off that second arrow. Sticking with my examples, remind yourself that everyone has to change light bulbs sometimes; it’s no big deal. Remind yourself that just because you’re in pain this morning doesn’t mean you’ll be in pain every morning. Everything changes, including pain levels. Remind yourself that some embroidery stitches are hard to learn, and besides, an underwater scene doesn’t have to have a fish in it anyway — put in a crab.

In other words, put a stop to this type of distorted thinking by first becoming aware that you’re engaged in it, and then countering that thinking by adopting a reasonable perspective on what’s going on. Sometimes I even say to myself: “Stop! You’re going down that catastrophizing road again, and it’s only going to make an unpleasant situation worse.” Gently saying, “Stop!” like this can interrupt your tendency to start spinning those “second arrow” worst-case scenarios.

I’m not saying this will always be easy. You may have a lifelong habit of blowing things out of proportion and assuming the worst, often about yourself. The good news is that habits can change, and the first step is to become aware of how you’re making life more difficult for yourself by magnifying unpleasant experiences and blowing them out of proportion.

I recommend that you start small—maybe with that light bulb or something you’ve spilled. The better you get at keeping calm and not going straight to exaggerating and catastrophizing over minor unpleasant experiences (“I’m always spilling things and always will”), the easier it will be to maintain your peace of mind when you're struck by harsher first arrows.

If you’re interested in the cognitive distortions, here are two other pieces I wrote on them: “How to Stop Taking Everything Personally” and "How to Break the Painful Habit of 'All or Nothing' Thinking."

© 2017 Toni Bernhard