Copyright © 2019 Christina Smith, LMHC, all rights reserved.

We are all guilty of avoiding things that we don’t want to do from time to time. We may let laundry pile up, avoid confronting a friend over something they did that upset us, or wait until the last minute to start a project for work or school. 

It’s easy to avoid things, especially when there are so many things we would rather be doing with our time. But, for those experiencing more serious mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, avoidance can worsen symptoms of those issues. 

What is avoidance behavior?

Avoidance is a maladaptive coping skill that offers the mind an escape from uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and/or experiences. It may seem like avoiding discomfort could be helpful, however, it results in never addressing the actual issue. In fact, avoidance may create a cycle of behavior that exacerbates feelings of anxiety and depression, making it much harder to problem solve, cope, and heal.

For example, someone who feels depressed might find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and may avoid daily responsibilities that seem stressful. They might stay in bed until noon, miss breakfast, avoid paying bills, skip the gym, etc. When they do finally get up, they have lower energy and less time to take care of responsibilities. The lack of energy and time will most likely result in more negative thoughts and feelings. Then, they may engage in more avoidant behavior and ultimately perpetuate the cycle of depression. 

Here are a few other examples of avoidance:

Someone might avoid triggers such as people, places, and things that may incite uncomfortable feelings. Those dealing with social anxiety, for example, might avoid crowds of people or hanging out with a group of friends. Avoiding these situations may spare them from uncomfortable feelings, but will also prevent them from learning effective coping skills to deal with difficult social situations in the future.

Another example might be someone experiencing relationship issues. Given that most of us do not enjoy conflict, it’s easy to find ways to avoid confronting an issue. Particularly when it comes to someone in our life that we care about. Individuals facing marital issues may divert attention from the issue by changing the subject when it comes up. Also, they may become passive aggressive toward their partner or even completely withdraw from them. This pattern of avoidance is sometimes referred to as ‘conflict avoidance‘. When an underlying issue is never addressed it can be buried under issues and become even more difficult to resolve. 

Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.

Brendon Burchard

It is also common for some people to avoid negative feelings by regularly engaging in “numbing” behaviors. This may come in the form of drinking more often or heavier, over-eating, over-exercising, etc; anything that might replace an uncomfortable feeling. It is important to note that these behaviors are only temporary fixes. It may keep the feelings out momentarily, but as soon as the numbing behavior stops, the feelings rush back, and solutions continue to evade our grasp. 

The one thing we may want to avoid is avoidance itself. How to stop avoiding:

1.    Recognize and understand that you’re doing it. Become mindful of your behavior patterns and how you might be avoiding negative feelings or situations in your life. It can be useful to keep a journal, or a log of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to more easily identify such patterns.

2.    Practice effective stress relief. Learn relaxation skills such as meditation, deep breathing, yoga, journaling, art, etc. to combat stress. It’s important to find techniques that work for you. Exercising regularly and keeping a balanced diet can also help reduce stress. 

3.    Remind yourself that it’s OK to feel uncomfortable and to have negative thoughts and feelings. They will pass. When we allow ourselves to feel our feelings we can finally start the process of healing.

4.    Get support. Family and friends are sometimes the best sources of support but it can also be helpful to find other sources such as a therapist or support group that can provide different perspectives. 

Many times, ending the cycle of avoidance is a longer process than we may imagine. It might not be as simple as facing our fears and moving on. 

Working with a therapist and taking small steps to learn about avoidance and how it is affecting you can be a positive step in overcoming issues like depression and anxiety. 

Here is a useful post on Catastrophic Thinking by Toni Bernhard.. Learn to skillfully respond to the cognitive distortion of catastrophizing.

Cognitive distortions are errors in thinking. The term refers to our irrational and exaggerated thoughts: thoughts that have no basis in fact, but which we believe anyway. These distorted thoughts then become the breeding ground for stressful emotions. The result is anxiety and the undermining of our ability to feel good about life or ourselves.

In September 2014, I wrote a post titled “How Distorted Thinking Increases Stress and Anxiety.” You might want to have a look at it. One of those distortions is called catastrophizing and it is the subject of this post.

Catastrophizing is also called magnifying. This is a good way to think of it, because it emphasizes how we often magnify things way out of proportion, dreaming up nightmare scenarios that we believe without question.

The First and Second Arrows

Catastrophizing is an example of thoughts (and the emotions they give rise to) that the Buddha called the “second arrow.” The first arrow refers to those familiar, unpleasant experiences that are an inevitable part of everyday life, from the mundane (a light bulb that burns out when we flip on the switch) to more profound unpleasant experiences (waking up with a flare in a chronic pain condition). We could each make a list of our own “first arrow” experiences. Some days we’re bombarded with them, again from the relatively minor (a computer crash) to the major (the loss of a job… or a friend). Life is hard enough just coping with the first arrow, that’s for sure.

The second arrow is an unnecessary one. Here’s how it happens. We experience the unpleasantness of the first arrow, but instead of simply acknowledging its presence and, if possible, trying to make things better (e.g., change the light bulb, take a warm shower to try and ease our physical pain), we engage in a stream of stressful thoughts and emotions about that unpleasant “first arrow” experience. Although the Buddha didn’t use the word catastrophize, it’s an example of how we shoot ourselves with a second arrow by mocking up worst-case scenarios instead of just taking care of the business at hand. In other words, we make things worse for ourselves.

It’s as if we’re looking at an unpleasant experience through binoculars, and so it appears way out of proportion to us. I used a light bulb burning out as an example because it’s a trivial experience. And yet, when it’s happened to you, how often do you say without irritation: “Oh, well, the light bulb burned out; no big deal, I’ll just change it”?

If you’re like me, when you encounter an unpleasant experience, you tend to add a negative reaction, which may not always rise to the level of catastrophizing, but can if it takes on this type of form: “Why do light bulbs always burn out on me? The new one will probably burn out in a few days—on me again.” It’s this second arrow, magnifying an unpleasant experience and making it into a catastrophe, that keeps us from feeling at peace with our lives. After all, if we changed the light bulb mindfully—paying careful attention as we get a new bulb, unscrew the old bulb, screw in the new one, and perhaps even take a moment to reflect on the wonders of electricity—we might even enjoy the experience.

And what about that “first arrow” unpleasant experience of waking up with a flare in our chronic pain levels? Instead of keeping calm and waiting to see if the pain subsides as the morning wears on, there’s a tendency to catastrophize by convincing ourselves that this is our new normal. We say to ourselves: “This pain will never go away; I’ll be miserable the rest of my life.” That’s the experience of the second arrow and, not surprisingly, it tends to be a source of stress and anxiety.

Through habits we’ve developed over our lifetimes, we seem to be quite adept at making ourselves miserable by magnifying our disappointments and frustrations until they seem like catastrophes. Another simple example. I’ve been teaching myself some new embroidery stitches. A few months ago, I was embroidering an underwater scene and wanted to use a “cretan stitch” to make a fish. But I couldn’t do it. Every fish I tried looked awful. Instead of feeling compassion for how hard this was proving to be, I started spinning irrational stories about my attempts: “I’ll never figure out this stitch. I might as well throw the whole piece away.” Catastrophizing.

How to Stop the Tendency to Catastrophize

To reverse the tendency to catastrophize, put your experience into perspective. Start by reminding yourself that unpleasant experiences—not having things go as you want—are an inevitable part of life. Then reframe your thoughts regarding whatever unpleasant experience is threatening to set off that second arrow. Sticking with my examples, remind yourself that everyone has to change light bulbs sometimes; it’s no big deal. Remind yourself that just because you’re in pain this morning doesn’t mean you’ll be in pain every morning. Everything changes, including pain levels. Remind yourself that some embroidery stitches are hard to learn, and besides, an underwater scene doesn’t have to have a fish in it anyway — put in a crab.

In other words, put a stop to this type of distorted thinking by first becoming aware that you’re engaged in it, and then countering that thinking by adopting a reasonable perspective on what’s going on. Sometimes I even say to myself: “Stop! You’re going down that catastrophizing road again, and it’s only going to make an unpleasant situation worse.” Gently saying, “Stop!” like this can interrupt your tendency to start spinning those “second arrow” worst-case scenarios.

I’m not saying this will always be easy. You may have a lifelong habit of blowing things out of proportion and assuming the worst, often about yourself. The good news is that habits can change, and the first step is to become aware of how you’re making life more difficult for yourself by magnifying unpleasant experiences and blowing them out of proportion.

I recommend that you start small—maybe with that light bulb or something you’ve spilled. The better you get at keeping calm and not going straight to exaggerating and catastrophizing over minor unpleasant experiences (“I’m always spilling things and always will”), the easier it will be to maintain your peace of mind when you're struck by harsher first arrows.

If you’re interested in the cognitive distortions, here are two other pieces I wrote on them: “How to Stop Taking Everything Personally” and "How to Break the Painful Habit of 'All or Nothing' Thinking."

© 2017 Toni Bernhard

After a long day of “adulting,” your on-demand shows are calling your name. All that stands between you and your couch is a little bedtime prep with your kids. What could go wrong?

“All right, it’s time for bed,” you say, with a little too much gratefulness and enthusiasm. 

“No, not yet! I’m not tired!”

“Just a little longer, pleeeeease?”

“I hate bedtime!”

You knew courteous, immediate compliance was a little hopeful–but you weren’t expecting war-time resistance. 

After all, your toddler is yawning and tripping over toys, your 6-year-old is giggling maniacally, and your teenager is blinking heavily at her video game. 

You can’t fathom why the prospect of bed is so outrageous. They’re clearly as exhausted as you. 

For many families, bedtime is tough. It’s prime time for power struggles, chaos, and stress. 

Getting to the bottom of power struggles is important (which is one reason why I created my free introductory positive parenting class), but the fact that everyone is so tired at the end of the day makes bedtime battles particularly difficult.

Basically, it’s akin to 2 AM at the local nightclub when–unless people start heading home–all hell will break loose. Nothing gets better at a nightclub after 2 AM. And for kids at home? Try 7 PM. 

Luckily, there’s an easy solution. A good set of strategies to help avoid common bedtime power struggles can really make a difference. It may seem simple, but I promise–implementing these 6 basic tactics can help earn you and your family the rest you deserve.

Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the best selling author of The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic - A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World and If I Have to Tell You One More Time…The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. As a “recovering yeller” and a Certified Positive Discipline Instructor, Amy is a champion of positive parenting techniques for happier families and well-behaved kids. Here are her top 6 tips for bedtimes…

1. Same Time, Same Order, Same Place

I get it–a routine can be super inconvenient in these crazy-busy lives of ours. We have school activities that run late, projects to tackle, and family movie nights that interfere with bedtime. 

And that’s okay. For the occasional exception, like a Billie Eilish concert keeping our kids up late, some flexibility is necessary.

But although a routine can feel like a downer when everyone’s enjoying their evening, in reality…it can be a lifesaver. For those of us that haven’t already implemented a routine, it is the first step in combating bedtime battles.  

Start by setting a reasonable bedtime that is the same every night, including on the weekends. Thanks to the circadian rhythm, a reliable schedule actually helps the body know when to fall asleep.

A consistent schedule has the added benefit of limiting a child’s pleas for a later bedtime. After all, the less we bend and budge, the less room they have to negotiate.

Next, we can make activities leading up to bedtime orderly and consistent. A warm, soothing bath at the same time every day followed by books in bed is common for younger kids. For teenagers, it could be 9:00 PM when they start brushing their teeth, washing their faces, and lying in bed listening to music before lights out at 9:30 PM. 

Certain repeated actions can trigger a body’s sleep response making it easier to get kiddos to cooperate. Just make sure that the actions follow good sleep hygiene, like doing something quiet and subdued.

When-Then Routine

When establishing a new routine, especially one less lenient, kids might rebel. They’ll test our boundaries to see if we’re really serious and try to delay the inevitable. 

This is a great time to use a When-Then Routine.

This tool helps motivate kids to complete the more mundane parts of their bedtime routine they may dislike. For example, we can say:

“Connor, when you’ve flossed your teeth, then I can read you a bedtime story before lights are out at 8.” 

Or: “Evie, when you’ve taken a shower, then you can read your book until lights out at 9.”

Our kids are ultimately in control of when they complete these tasks, which helps dispel a battle of wills. They’re also more likely to complete the tasks relatively quickly because they want to get to the things they enjoy; like getting tucked into bed or reading the latest vampire romance novel. 

The then has nothing to do with a prize or a reward. It’s just something kids regularly enjoy more than other things like flossing. And that’s not hard to find. 

Just like a consistent bedtime, When-Then becomes doubly powerful when it’s used routinely. When kids know what to expect each night, they’re more likely to comply.

Note: If the child doesn’t complete the “when” part of the routine before bedtime, this doesn’t change the time the lights go out. 

If they dilly-dally and don’t complete their tasks until 3 minutes before lights out, then you can simply say, “I’m sorry you didn’t get to read before bed tonight. I have faith you’ll be able to complete your routine tomorrow.” 

To further back-up the cut-off for lights out, you can even utilize a tool like the Time Timer.

What we love about the Time Timer is it’s a VISUAL timer, not a simple countdown timer. Visual timers can help even the youngest kiddos conceptualize time in a more meaningful way than simply setting a timer on your phone or microwave.

And, once the clock starts, this reminds the kids that the routine–and time–are the boss.  

2. Take Time for Training

A routine is a reliable solution, but for younger kids especially, we can’t expect a perfectly performed routine without a little practice. 

It’s easy for parents and kids alike to become frustrated when kids struggle or procrastinate with tasks–especially when we ourselves are getting ready for bed. 

It’s also easy to forget that seemingly simple tasks may not be simple for our kids. 

A two-year-old isn’t going to know how to put on her inside-out pajamas until we show her, step-by-step. If we overlook this, her whining and crying might translate into our own unhelpful aggravation and yelling.

A four-year-old isn’t going to correctly brush his teeth until we take the time to demonstrate round circles, soft strokes, spit… don’t forget the tongue! Otherwise, he might start crying when we ask him to “hurry up, please.” You get the picture.

If we take a little time upfront to teach our kids what we expect from them and what the new routine in our households will be, it will save us time and effort later. 

Although it might be tempting, we shouldn’t give up and do things for our kids, either–even though it might be faster and easier. 

With patience on both ends, our kids will eventually feel empowered by what they can do for themselves–and we’ll feel empowered, too. 

Pro Tip: For access to Curing the Bedtime Blues, an additional guide for all Positive Parenting Solutions members, sign up for our Online Course today!

3. Anticipate Children’s Needs 

Your eyes are settling on the final chapter of your page-turner when you hear that familiar little voice in the next room.

“Mooooooom? Daaaaaad?”

You cringe a little, set the book down, and reluctantly say, “Yes, honey?”

“I’m scared. I can’t sleep.”

“Can you bring me a glass of water?”

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lately, this has been happening every night and you’re fed up with the pattern.

Many kids have fears at bedtime. Some are afraid of the dark, others of monsters, and many have bad nightmares and night terrors. Often, kids go to bed before they’re tired or when they’re overtired, and some like to stay up as late as possible regardless.

We can start by considering whether or not the bedtime we’ve set for our kids is too early or too late. Although kids need as much as 8-14 hours of sleep (depending on a child’s age and genetics), a bedtime that isn’t quite right works against everyone. 

You might need to experiment to find the sweet-spot time for lights out–one that is most likely to get your child snoozing the soonest.

Next, we can proactively add the items that our kids are commonly requesting into the next evening’s routine. 

“Carson, here’s a glass of water on your nightstand, just in case you get thirsty again tonight. Now, will you help me look in your closet for monsters? I know there aren’t any in there, but I want you to see for yourself. And let’s turn on your new nightlight!” 

If our children are still sending us on one bedtime quest after another, the thing they’re most likely after is our attention.

4. Splurge on Quality Time 

Our children thrive on feeling significant and important. They want to matter–especially to us. 

I always encourage parents to spend quality one-on-one time with each of their children individually. Ideally, this should be done every day for at least 10-15 minutes–doing something our kids want to do. 

By providing this huge dose of positive attention proactively, you’ll drastically reduce the attention-seeking misbehaviors you see from your kids; like whining about bedtime or dragging it out with endless requests. In fact, this is the #1 thing I recommend to parents all the time for cutting back on misbehavior across the board!

Beyond that, there are so many anxieties that keep us all awake at night. A child’s anxiety may differ from ours, like an irrational fear of giant purple people-eaters, but some are also very real and just as terrifying, like the spread of the Coronavirus. 

If we can give kids a good dose of tender love and care, it can work wonders for a child’s need for attention and a sense of security. An excellent opportunity to share that special time together is right before bed. 

After all, happiness and fulfillment lead to better sleep. 

And while there’s nothing wrong with a parent vs. kids pillow fight now and again, keep in mind that energizing activities are ideally followed by calm ones. 

5. Practice Gratitude

Much like feeling loved and significant, kids that focus on things they’re happy about or thankful for before bed have an easier time falling asleep. 

We can encourage a teenager to keep a journal on his nightstand and write down three good things that happen each day at school. 

We can cuddle a 4-year-old and ask her what her roses and thorns were that day; the roses being her favorite experiences, the thorns her least favorite. Then, we can put extra emphasis on the roses. 

Positive thoughts can improve anyone’s life. Even if it begins by getting a better night’s sleep, that small difference can make an impact the next day, and the next. With so many things in the world outside of our control, the way we perceive and manage our thoughts to our advantage–which is within our control–is crucial. 

Just like with routine and tasks, regular gratitude takes some training. But if we teach our kids to focus on the haves instead of the have-nots, they might just fall asleep with smiles on their faces.  

6. Limit Technology Usage

With the invention of the light bulb, a large quantity of the world population started staying up later than usual. Now it’s television, iPads, and iPhones keeping us up well into the night.

We’re so addicted to lights, screens, and technology that we even bring our phones into bed with us. 

Screen time right before bed is extremely harmful in many ways. It alerts a part of the brain, making our minds assume it’s still daytime. 

It means we’re tempted to watch scary movies or read the news right before bed (both of which can be equally disturbing). Children with screens in their rooms have access to all of this and more. 

Despite establishing internet controls, just staying up late playing games or having an emotional conversation with a BFF can cause kids stress and sleeplessness. 

Even for teens, many of which have a biological tendency to stay up later, allowing them screen-time two hours or less before bed can rob them of sleep.

Limiting technology is hard at first. It will cause arguments, which of course we want to avoid. But standing firm on this commitment will eventually eliminate bargaining and late-night screen time dangers.

Final Thoughts

Starting tonight, I encourage you to give these strategies a try and see what wonders they work on your nocturnal wannabes.

Most families nowadays need a lot less chaos and a lot more sleep. Enforcing a good bedtime routine will help avoid power struggles and bring a healthier balance to our lives.

I truly believe reliable rest and relaxation are in your future. And those under-eye circles you’ve been trying to hide? They’ll be gone before you know it. 

So go on now, and get those kids to bed. Your favourite shows are waiting.